How to Parent From Prison

As families prepare to celebrate Father’s Day with gifts, cookouts and quality time together, many fathers in prison are trying to figure out how to show up for their children from the inside.

“Will my letter get mailed out in time?”

“How do I get to the phone before the line gets too long?”

“Can they afford to come out here to visit me?”

Prison life comes with very specific constraints that shape how much a parent can show up in their child’s life. A phone call isn’t as simple as picking up a phone and dialing a number. Calls are typically made during prescribed hours in the day, and parents are often sharing the limited number of phones with others who are just as eager to call their loved ones. For families on the outside, the calls themselves can be expensive and come with time limits; some prisons only allow calls in 15-minute increments, so families have to reconnect again and again just to finish a conversation. And if a parent wants to send love and appreciation through good old-fashioned snail mail, their letters — or their family’s — can be delayed, or never arrive at all.

Visits are rarely spontaneous when you have to take time off work and drive out to a prison that may be hours away. Once they get there, families may endure strict security protocols that require mandatory searches, and the main visiting room can get crowded. In some cases, even after doing all of that, they may only be allowed to talk to their loved one through glass.

Countless families across the U.S. are affected by these challenges: About half of people in prisons have a child under the age of 18. And on any given day, nearly 3 million children have a parent in prison or jail. Overall, roughly 1 in 14 children under the age of 18 have experienced parental incarceration. Most parents in prison are fathers, because men make up most of the prison population. A higher share of women in prison, however, have minor children.

This Father’s Day, The Marshall Project is launching “Sending Kites”, a new monthly column that explores different challenges faced by people with incarcerated loved ones. “Kites” is a prison term for letters or notes passed between people on the inside. Our newsroom corresponds with thousands of incarcerated people, many of whom share advice and reflections from their own lives. Every month, Sending Kites will draw from those experiences — and from families living these realities firsthand — to share practical ideas, creative solutions and guidance from inside prison walls.

We’re starting “Sending Kites” with the topic of parenting from prison. While this column is launching on Father’s Day, it’s about the broader challenge of parenting from prison, and how mothers, fathers and other caregivers try to stay present in their children’s lives from behind bars. As you’ll see in the responses below, many parents behind bars fight to stay present. They call, write, pray and send artwork. They try to share and teach life lessons from their cells and find creative ways to guide their children through milestones and decisions from afar. Their experiences are about persistence as much as love, and finding ways to be there for their children, even when “being there” looks different for them.

Showing love and staying present:

Shifts in family roles and bonds:

Barriers and limitations to contact:

We want to hear from you:

Are you a parent, grandparent or caregiver on the outside?

How have you talked with your children about their mother, father or another important person being in prison? What did you say or decide not to say? What do you wish you had known before having those conversations? What was hardest to explain? What advice would you give to another caregiver?

Your response may be used in a future Sending Kites column. If your response is featured, we will not use your name. The attribution will include your role and where you’re based. For example: “From a grandparent in Kentucky.”