“Sending Kites” is a monthly column from The Marshall Project that explores challenges faced by people with incarcerated loved ones and by people in jails and prisons. Check our previous columns.
Rules are a huge part of life in prisons and jails. There are handbooks and manuals that explain how to buy food and items in commissary, how you can send or receive mail, or what counts as a violation that can get you written up. On tablets, you might even have access to legal guides that explain your rights as an incarcerated person and how to challenge something that happened to you. And if you’re doing research before your sentence begins, there is advice on various social platforms about what words not to call other people and why it’s better to listen and observe more than you talk.
However, there are unofficial rules you usually learn the hard way. They vary from facility to facility, and they’re more specific than most of the general advice you’ll find online about how to navigate prison. It might take a few missteps to figure out that seniority, or how long someone has been inside, can determine where you can sit in the chow hall. You might not know until you’ve spent some time inside that you shouldn’t look into another person’s cell, accept food left on your bed, or complain about a shorter sentence in front of someone doing life.
For this month’s edition of “Sending Kites,” we asked incarcerated readers what they wish they had known when they first got to prison. Their answers covered etiquette everywhere from the cell to the chow hall, and they all agreed on one thing: Every prison or jail has its own culture, and learning it will take time, but it will be worth it.
In this story:
Getting settled:
Every prison or jail has its own way of doing things, and your loved one’s first weeks are often spent watching and learning how things work.
I watched and listened a lot. In doing so, I gradually came to understand the jail’s culture. Then it became second nature to flow with it.
FROM A READER IN MN
The only constant is no consistency. Take everything with a stride and one day at a time.
FROM A READER IN OK
Learn your ID number and be prepared to recite it on demand. I have a language barrier, so this was not easy but very important.
FROM A READER IN CA
Watch everyone and don’t trust anyone so fast. Watching body language is your best tool. Don’t let your guard down so fast.
FROM A READER IN AR
Staying clean and prepared:
Hygiene is one of the few things someone can control inside, and it shapes how they are treated by the people around them.
When it comes to the canteen, get hygiene products and shower shoes first. Then stack up your soups because anything can happen.
FROM A READER IN NC
Be sure to clean your cell every day and take a shower; this place is nasty. We have to try our best to stay clean. Flush the toilet while you pee; drop one, flush one. Pray and stay close to God; that’s what’s important. God bless.
FROM A READER IN TX
Always make your bed and clean up before you even think about stepping foot on the yard. Make sure you shower after rec, shower as many times a day as you can and work out whenever and however you can.
FROM A READER IN AZ
Respecting space:
There isn’t much privacy inside, so small things like where a person sits and how they wait in line are how people show each other respect.
Respect will save your neck. Ask for pardon when walking close to others’ space, or attempting to gain one’s attention. Keep your eyes straight ahead and refrain from looking into someone else’s cell. Knock and obtain permission before looking into and/or entering said cell.
FROM A READER IN VA
Names might not be on the seats, but those seats are definitely assigned to those who came before you. Wait to see which seat is free. Seniority is a real thing.
FROM A READER IN MT
There is a line for everything. Always check before you use the phone, even if no one is on it. Just ask, “Is anyone in line? Is this phone open?”
FROM A READER IN NC
Don’t interrupt two people talking with each other. Don’t walk from behind to the front of someone.
FROM A READER IN NV
Moving carefully:
Problems can come up without warning, so readers shared the habits that help them stay safe.
Keep your shoes or boots on at all times when you are not in your cell or private area! Being prepared for problems sometimes is the best way to avoid problems!
FROM A READER IN TX
Always keep both legs on one side of the stool seats in the chow hall. A leg on each side will [allow] you to defend yourself if attacked.
FROM A READER IN NC
Don’t walk around like you are the biggest and baddest in the building because there is someone who will test that theory. God gave you two eyes and one mouth for a reason.
FROM A READER IN SD
Keeping your word and avoiding debt:
Owing someone anything, money, food or a favor, gives them a hold over a person.
All a prisoner has in prison is his word. Keep your word, above all else. It will always prevail over every other factor.
FROM A READER IN MT
Stay away from gangs, gambling and borrowing.
FROM A READER IN FL
Don’t accept any food left on your bed.
FROM A READER IN NC
Living with others:
No one chooses who they live with in prison, so getting along with the people around them makes the time easier.
Your cellmate is your main ally, so learn to watch out for him and vice versa. Make sure you find someone you can live with comfortably.
FROM A READER IN CA
Don’t ask how much time people have to do. Don’t complain; a lifer doesn’t want to hear how bad someone has it that’s doing a small sentence.