“Sending Kites” is a monthly column from The Marshall Project that explores challenges faced by people with incarcerated loved ones and by people in jails and prisons. Check our previous columns.
Last-minute cancellations. Long, expensive drives to rural areas. Strict security protocols and seemingly ever-changing dress codes. A face-to-face conversation, but with limited physical touch.
That’s the reality of visiting your loved one in prison.
Despite the challenges, many incarcerated people will tell you visits from their family and friends are what keep them going. Loved ones bring news and updates from the outside world and help break up the monotony of prison life. Visits can also keep release dates in clear view, reminding people inside that they have something to look forward to (as well as the people who care about them) once they’ve served their sentences. More broadly, decades of research have shown that visits can improve mental health and behavior, and reduce the risk of reincarceration.
What the research doesn’t capture is how to make a single visit count. For this edition of “Sending Kites”, incarcerated people told us what makes one meaningful. They encourage loved ones to prepare their talking points ahead of time and save the topics that are hard to discuss over the phone for in-person visits. They also emphasize the importance of double-checking the facility’s rules to avoid being turned away, and encourage visitors to stay present and make the most of their time together, even when things don’t go as planned.
Planning the conversation:
Think intentionally about what you want to say beforehand. Prepare yourself for the reality of trying to connect while in a restricted environment.
One of the best ways I’ve found to prepare myself for my family’s arrival is to help prepare them. They are likely as excited and overwhelmed as you are. Not to mention that the logistics — and how unfamiliar prison is — are very real concerns for them. Helping them get past the initial concerns of the place — by providing them with images, drawings, layouts, or things the prison offers [regarding] the visiting room. It gets the mind off the overwhelming parts and breaks the ice once they get here. Breaking the ice can be the hardest part.
FROM A READER IN OR
Write down some ideas ahead of time of things you would want to talk about. Spend some time on the list. Think of what is really important to you, but also to them. When you have the list ready, go back through and organize it in order of priority.
FROM A READER IN NC
Talk about everything you can’t talk about on the phone, on your visit. Talking in person is much different and more effective for certain circumstances, especially when you’re getting acquainted with pen pals or new friends. I like being able to see a person and how they react to my questions. I read body language and facial expressions. I’ve talked to people for months, then met them on a visit, and I became totally uninterested.
FROM A READER IN OH
Taking the rules seriously:
Every facility has its own policies and a small mistake can get you sent home before you’ve even made it past security.
Check the clothing guidelines, visiting rules and follow them to the best of your ability. Also, check to make sure everything is ready and on point once, twice and even three times so you don’t get turned away! Keep the prison phone number on speed dial!
FROM A READER IN MT
Remember that different prisons have different rules. Make sure you know what is acceptable to bring. Also, remember that the staff at the prisons are somebody’s family, too.
FROM A READER IN NC
Remember that every petty rule that is in place exists because other people before you tried to get around the rules. Don’t be that person who ruins it for future visitors.
FROM A READER IN WV
Just try to relax and enjoy the visit. I know we like to stress and have to have everything perfect on these days. Just remember to pick out your best prison blues and get them pressed and creased. They are coming to visit because they care and are here to show support for you. Just share the good memories and have belly-hurting laughs of old times and make new memories with your loved ones. Oh, and don’t forget best of all: You get to eat good food.
FROM A READER IN OH
In North Carolina, visit day is like Christmas! You can be sure to recognize a person who is preparing for a visit. All of the guys in the dorm hook the brother up with the newest of state-issued clothes, the best of oils, and some gum to keep his breath in check! Of course, we try to calm his nerves and anxiety because seeing a loved one after being separated due to incarceration brings shame and embarrassment! Remember that these people love you or care about you enough to visit you, so be yourself, have fun, and enjoy the freedom of being with the person in front of you!
FROM A READER IN NC
Preparing emotionally:
Being emotionally prepared — whether it’s seeing your loved one after a long separation, or bracing yourself to hear the good and bad parts of prison life — is key.
Prepare our heart and mind. Get your heart ready to enjoy the closeness of your loved one. Also, every visit isn’t perfect so prepare your heart and mind for bad news if it comes.
FROM A READER IN VA
Remember that your visitors are taking time out of their lives to do this most likely because they care, so focus on that point in time and don’t think about them leaving or what they might do when they do. Think about [it as if it] is the last time you would ever see them, what do you want to do or say?
FROM A READER IN MI
If someone was about to get a visit, I would advise them to be strong because there are lots of emotions. You have to be prepared to look good inside and out because your family or friends also want to see you doing good while incarcerated. It is really important for the incarcerated person to tell their visitors the experiences they have in jail, good and bad because it can help spread the word to the community.
FROM A READER IN TX
I would stay in a good place in your mind because, with good vibes, good things are to come. But it depends on who you are getting a visit from. If it is a spouse, then always ask and never assume. And if it is parents or a parent, then always make the best of every situation because we’re not promised tomorrow.
FROM A READER IN WV
The first piece of advice would have to be: be in a positive mood. I think that in our situation as prisoners we must know that our families are doing this time with us and our mood will reflect their mood, so in order to keep the smiles, we as the incarcerated sometimes have to smile to keep from crying. We should also keep up our appearance. Remember that you are not doing this time alone, so keep your family’s spirit up as much as they are trying to keep your spirit up.
FROM A READER IN NC
Just breathe and try to meditate inside yourself. Let everything go that is on the inside and the things that go on outside. Put yourself in the visitor’s shoes and see how nervous [and] afraid they are, [and] how their excitement level is high at seeing you after so long. Never wait or lose one second to get a hug and to let your loved [ones] know just how much you miss them, how everything will work out for the best [and] that you are doing all you can to come home at the earliest time possible just for them.
FROM A READER IN NC
To clear your mind. Leave the negative mindset of prison within the walls. Enjoy the company of your loved ones. Enjoy the humanity of people who love you for you.